What Causes Anger: A Lesson Learned

I was having one of those discussions with one of my kids a couple days ago. You know, one of those “I’m trying to stay calm” kind of conversations. I often don’t do so well with that, but this time I was staying calm and he was getting angry. Proverbs says that “a gentle answer turns away wrath”, but it wasn’t really working in this case. What do I do now?

James 1:18 says “He chose to give us birth through the word of truth…” God gave us His son, Jesus Christ, the “word of truth”, so that we could have life. He also sets some guidelines in place so that we can experience the life that God desires for us. In verse 20, James writes that “human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” So, I need to do something now. I’m the dad, so I need to fix this. My “gentle answer” is not turning away the anger and seems to be making it worse. Then it happened.

I politely asked my son to stop interrupting me so I can finish giving him my “gentle answer”. You’ve seen the cartoons where steam comes out the ears and the top of the head pops off and more steam comes out. The train whistle blows as even more steam comes out. The face turns red and it looks like a violent earthquake happening inside. Yup… That’s a pretty accurate picture of the scene unfolding in front of me.

“I’m interrupting you???” He says with great restraint. At this point I think it isn’t steam, but smoke from his break pads grinding as he is holding back every emotion he has. “You’ve been doing all the talking and I haven’t been able to complete a sentence. I just want to vent and let you know how I feel, but you won’t let me.”

Before James writes about anger, he slips in another sentence that maybe I should have put into practice. He even starts out by highlighting this point and says “Hey!! This is important!! Read this.” Well, maybe not those exact words.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this:
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

James 1: 19-20

We all want to be heard and my opinion is the most important one. I have to speak up and make my voice heard. Sometimes, it is because I am a little impatient and I’m ready to be done and move on, so I interrupt and say what I want to say so we can be done. We all want to be heard. What that really means is we all want someone to listen to us. It isn’t about us getting to talk, it is about someone paying attention to us and really hearing what we have to say.

Most of our arguments, much of our nations social struggles, and even wars are fought because we didn’t take time to listen. If we take the time to truly listen, process what the other person is saying before responding and we truly have a real discussion, we can turn the heat down under that boiling water and keep the top of that head from popping off and maybe not as much steam coming out the ears. Maybe if we are quick to listen and slow to speak, we will accomplish much more than if our primary purpose is to get our voice heard.

James continues on in verse 21 with an interesting little twist to this topic.

Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.

“Therefore” ties the two thoughts together. “Because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires, get rid of all moral filth and accept the word planted in you.” The source of our anger is generally not other people. Other people may turn the heat up and make us boil, but there is a deeper source of the anger. Jesus tells us to “seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness.” When our focus is on building our kingdom rather than building God’s kingdom and following God’s teachings, we provide a source for the anger. When I am angry, it is always because something didn’t go my way or someone didn’t do what I thought they should have. It is because I am focused on what I want my kingdom to look like.

So, the next time you find yourself feeling angry and you feel that steam starting to build up, before you open up that release valve and let all that steam out, think about why you are becoming angry. Who’s kingdom are you fighting for? Maybe I just need to slow down and let my son vent a bit and actually listen to what he is trying to say. I just might learn something.